Feb. 13th, 2009

marvinstwin: (Default)
Let it be written down that 2008 was characterized by the cynical realization that ultimately we have no one to blame but ourselves. When we burned our Shit Lists in Italy, that fact was made abundantly clear. Of course, that being said, 2009 will be spent fixing all the things that went wrong before and fixing them right. That's why I'm going home, I think. I want to make the system overhaul that I so desperately need a priority.

After lunch with my father, I'm thinking of my life in economic terms. I needed to let my emotional market "find its own bottom" literally, figuratively, and otherwise. Of course this means that I have to liquidate my various attachments and mark them all to market. Once I do that I can figure out exactly what everything is worth and make a rational cost-benefit analysis. What good does this particular thought pattern serve me? What emotional necessities do I sacrifice when I think like this? Think at the margin, darling. Etc.

Metaphors. Metaphors. Metaphors help me make sense of the world.

Still, for as miserable as things have been lately, I'm determined that the good in 2009 is going to outweigh the bad. Maybe I'm just getting it all out of the way early? Maybe things will be better hereafter? Lord, I hope so.

I think part of the problem is that I've started thinking I deserve everything I get. Gone are the days when I believed in the completely impersonal hostility of the universe. No more guilt. No more shame. Mike Brown was right, it is completely, totally, and utterly time for another viewing of Velvet Goldmine. And maybe a listen to the soundtrack while I pack? *nods* I think so.

ETA: Okay, let me just state that one of the many reasons I love the band YETI is that Mark Underwood (formerly known as Harmony Williams) is fucking crazy and has a tendency to write songs that sound like they belong in a bad musical/cabaret act. "Midnight Flight" is a jazzy ballad about a serial killer, complete with evil chuckles or heavy breathing depending upon which album you own, and "Insect Eating Man" is a song about exactly what it says on the tin. I LOVE THIS BAND AND THEIR MUSICAL THEATRE BACKGROUND AND THEIR CSN REFERENCES AND MARK UNDERWOOD'S STUPID FACE. Can I have the compilation album now?


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