Some times you scrape and sink so low I'm shocked at what you're capable of.

[marvinstwin]

And if this is a coronation, I ain't feelin' the love.

I think I'm going to have to withdraw from my statistics class. I'm an emotional wreck right now and I'm falling behind in everything. As that's the hardest class (and the one I'm the most behind in) with the most immediate midterm, I feel that's the one that must go. I'm still not prepared for costuming class today nor TCS nor the Econ quiz tomorrow. I have two papers that I need to write whose due dates are quickly whipping around the bend, and two shows to work on, and I don't know what else I can do.

I don't care. That's the problem. I don't fucking care and maybe living on my own is a bad idea because there's nothing and nobody to make me even try anymore.

And before you ask, yes, I am going to SHS and waiting until they will see me.

It's probably a good thing that my self-destructive tendencies have chosen to manifest themselves academically and not in any of the myriad of other ways open to them... well, I still have the eating disorder (it's still there, nibbling at the back of my mind) but it seems to have taken a back seat this semester in favor of academic suicide.

I think I'm trying to systematically liquidate everything that I've prided myself on over the years. Were things really that bad before? When did I turn in to that kind of person? I don't know. I just want it to stop.

I spent all day yesterday trying to stop myself from crying. I'm nervous. I'm choked up. I'm so utterly, hopelessly behind in everything. How did I let this happen to myself?

Why am I writing this and not studying?

I thought I fixed all this by changing majors. Lies. Lies. Lies. Why do I still feel this way?

I've clearly drifted into the arena of the unwell. I feel I've gone on holiday by mistake. Thanksgiving break and the actual life-oriented thinking I will do during that time cannot come soon enough.

ETA: Also, this journal is going public again. I'm not a private person. When I don't have everything out in the open something is wrong. Playing a role is different from concealing your true self. Don't ever confuse the two.

Comments

[emily-arete.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Love you. I will send you a nice long email as soon as I get the chance so I can really respond to this.

[neverendingview.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

I will see you soon, and that makes me very happy.

[silverfyre.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Awww Aidan, hang in there! You're not alone. I think this is a tough time of the year for everyone, possibly more tough than other years at this time. (alternatively, it could be that I've just blocked out in my mind how tough this time typically is, somewhat like the phenomenon that happens when women give birth?) Anyway. Where are you mostly, nowadays? I know you've told me, I just suck at remembering, siiigh. Maybe we should study together. I might actually study if I study with you, lol. I'm behind in way too many of my classes too, and could use the study partner, plus it would be cool if that partner were youuuu, Aidan!